Even the Hard Stuff.

I loved how the light was shining into the bathroom 

on this late fall afternoon.

 Our home is a work in progress. 

I guess that's how most people feel about their home.

 However, it is possible that I have an extreme case 

of 'work in progress'. 

We started building our house in 2006.

 We moved in in 2010. 

Do the math.

Yes, four years from the day we broke ground 

until the day we moved in.

And you know how people say don't ever move into an unfinished house because you will never finish it? 

Yeah, that's true. 

Not funny, but true.

 There are many days I am just so incredibly 

grateful that I can overlook it. 

Embrace it even.

  Then there are the other days.

The days where I want to feel grateful but I don't.

Days where I feel ashamed that I still want more 

when I obviously have so much. 

I feel frustrated that none of my windows have trim around them. I feel so totally over my makeshift kitchen and my concrete floors. I allow myself a few hours to just feel it all. To feel that this was not the way I imagined things would be when we were in the dream of building our house. I didn't want the house for the sake of a big pretty house to impress people....I wanted the house for the life that would happen inside those walls. The memories that we would make as a family. The Christmas trees, the birthday parties, the all day in pajamas, movie marathon quiet days. All the days that happen in the ordinary life of a family...games of Uno, pots of soup, long hot baths, reading late into the night, big ugly cries filled with disappointment and the pain of loss or betrayal, heart to heart conversations with loved ones. I have loved houses all of my life, especially older homes. I love to think of the stories embedded in those walls. The joy and the pain, the laughter and heartache. The house bears witness to all of it and holds the space for us to grow and unfold day after day, year after year.

So my frustration is that this life I was envisioning was somehow not quite happening. I wanted to fully live my days with my family, not always be in construction mode. I wanted the house to be the container for all of our adventures. Instead it sometimes seemed that the house took more than it gave. It took so much time, so much money and robbed us of peace of mind more days than I care to admit. The truth is that it is harder 

to live in an unfinished house. 

Harder to clean. 

Harder to organize. 

Closets with no shelves.

Bathrooms with no showers.

 Kitchens with no dishwasher and no cupboards. 

Blah, blah, blah.

On these days I will swing from one extreme to another. First I will think of people that seem better off than me, people who built houses after me but moved in before me.

 People who have trim and flooring.

Yes, it's true I envy people with trim. 

Then I will think of those with so much less...those who aren't sure how to feed their family or those that don't know where they will sleep from night to night. 

Then I remember that ALL comparison injures.

When I am done with all of that I get a grip and start thinking of what I am grateful for.

I may not totally FEEL the gratitude in that moment but I start making a mental checklist and I know that every soul has a journey and things that are challenging. Assignments I guess you could call them. These are the places that we grow in. We all know that we don't grow when everything is rosy and easy.

I really do believe in saying thank you for everything.

EVERYTHING.

Yup, even the sucky stuff. Even the hard stuff.

I sometimes remember to actually say thank you out loud in the middle of something that seems to super suck. 

Somewhere I know something is growing. 

Something is changing.

 I am getting stronger. 

More vulnerable 

(I am finally accepting that vulnerability IS strength)

(Why is that so hard to accept???)

More authentic. 

More me. 

I heard once that if everyone threw their troubles into a pile you would run back to grab your own.

Think about it. 

Don't be so quick to hate your problems 

or want to wish them away. 

Accept them. 

Let them in. 

Make room for them.

They are working inside of you and clearing the way for something else. How do we know that our deepest struggles aren't 

clearing the path for our greatest joys? 

We really don't know, so lets just say thank you.

For everything.