For the majority of my life I did not have good boundaries.
It's quite possible I had no boundaries.
I was kind of a poster child for the boundary 'less'.
It's hard and vulnerable for me to admit.
It's hard to make peace with, but it is a fact.
Facts are facts.
We may have MANY feelings about them, but at the end of the day they are still the facts. So it's true that I have many valid and important feelings about my lack of boundaries and the heartache that this brought into my experience.
At the same time I give thanks, for these are my soul lessons.
Do you have good boundaries?
It's quite possible I had no boundaries.
I was kind of a poster child for the boundary 'less'.
It's hard and vulnerable for me to admit.
It's hard to make peace with, but it is a fact.
Facts are facts.
We may have MANY feelings about them, but at the end of the day they are still the facts. So it's true that I have many valid and important feelings about my lack of boundaries and the heartache that this brought into my experience.
At the same time I give thanks, for these are my soul lessons.
Do you have good boundaries?
Do you even know what they are?
Do you have good support for helping you figure this stuff out? (it's VERY hard sometimes) (and confusing)
Wikipedia says this about boundaries:
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.
The article goes on to talk about what personal boundaries include and they are: physical, mental, psychological
and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs,
emotions, intuitions and self esteem.
and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs,
emotions, intuitions and self esteem.
This is really important stuff you guys.
We have to learn this even if we are 44, 64 or 104.
We have to teach and model this to our children, our families and our friends. This is a precious life we are living and even if it's long it's short. We are constantly in a state of creation with our life. Every choice we make, every boundary we set or do not set. I am NO expert on this topic and in the midst of what I imagine will be a life long process. I beg you to seek professional help with this if you suspect it is stopping you from living life fully. You might need books, a therapist, many friends, a retreat, a nap and if you are anything like me you will need MANY, MANY hot lavender baths
and endless cups of soul soothing tea.
We have to learn this even if we are 44, 64 or 104.
We have to teach and model this to our children, our families and our friends. This is a precious life we are living and even if it's long it's short. We are constantly in a state of creation with our life. Every choice we make, every boundary we set or do not set. I am NO expert on this topic and in the midst of what I imagine will be a life long process. I beg you to seek professional help with this if you suspect it is stopping you from living life fully. You might need books, a therapist, many friends, a retreat, a nap and if you are anything like me you will need MANY, MANY hot lavender baths
and endless cups of soul soothing tea.
I can offer little tidbits of what I have learned so far.
LISTEN TO and BELIEVE YOUR GUT
TRUST YOUR FEELINGS…..they are your soul's GPS
START CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE YOU TRUST
JOURNAL
WALK IN NATURE
BE GENTLE
DON'T DELAY….BABY STEPS ARE FINE
MAKE CHOICES THAT BRING YOU JOY
GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING MISUNDERSTOOD
TAKE A BATH (and another)
DRINK TEA
IF YOU HAVE A PORCH…SIT ON IT
I suppose I could go on and on but you get the idea.
It is never, ever too late to start setting boundaries
and learning to love yourself.
NEVER TOO LATE.
Do you hear me?
This process has not been easy but choice by choice I am falling in love with Kimberly. The real Kimberly,
NOT the one people want me to be or think that I am.
I am remembering what brings ME deep joy.
And you know what?
It's not that different from what brought me
joy when I was 8 years old.
It is never, ever too late to start setting boundaries
and learning to love yourself.
NEVER TOO LATE.
Do you hear me?
This process has not been easy but choice by choice I am falling in love with Kimberly. The real Kimberly,
NOT the one people want me to be or think that I am.
I am remembering what brings ME deep joy.
And you know what?
It's not that different from what brought me
joy when I was 8 years old.
Isn't that amazing?
I am finding such peace in the simple things.
I am discovering what
serves me in becoming the very best version of myself.
I want the same for you.
I have really struggled understanding that I can love everybody and have the utmost compassion but everyone cannot be in my life. This has bumped up against my extremely loyal beliefs about family and long term friendships. I have been angry and sad and confused so many times. I have sorted things out in my mind like piles of laundry on a Saturday morning and all
I can say about it is this…. it SUCKS. Truly.
I have had to look long and hard at myself because after you get sick of focusing on what others have done you have only yourself looking back in the mirror. This is not to say what happened was ok or that others did not play a role. One of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking that forgiving and condoning are synonymous. People say and do horrible things. Betrayal is brutal on the heart and mind. I believe life will bring all of us to our knees at many times in life. Places where we throw our hands up in despair. Places where we sit in our living rooms all alone at 3am and say:
"What the fuck, God?
You cannot be serious.
This cannot be how this story turns out."
I came to a place of surrender unlike anything I had ever known. After I did the hard work to forgive and release others I had to then offer myself the same thing. That was the hardest work I have ever done. I know that others had their work to do with me. I had caused hurt, they had felt betrayed too. The softest place I could find for my heart to rest was knowing that I never, ever had intention to cause harm. For me that was the the turning point where I could start self-forgiveness and rebuilding my own life. Yes, I hurt people and people hurt me but I did not stay up late at night with a pen an paper plotting ways to hurt them. My best guess is they were not plotting to hurt me either.
It just happened.
There was nothing left to do but mine for the gold that I was certain existed in the rubble. I do believe that life is a classroom and everything that shows up is a teacher for us. Personal growth has always been a top priority for me and how could I have taken a PhD level course in boundaries without having my own boundaries violated and infringing on the boundaries of others?
It took three long years but I finally reached a place where I even felt like forgiveness was a little arrogant on my part.
If I was choosing to believe that everything was perfect for my own growth then was there really a need for forgiveness?
Maybe what I needed to say instead was thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what I could learn no other way.
Thank you for saying and doing things exactly as you did.
It really was perfect.
My whole life is better now.
I have a peace and a joy and a contentment
that I have never known.
I realized that life was not happening TO me it was happening FOR me. I have more compassion
for myself and others.
I am clearer on my passion and purpose.
I am doing work that fills my soul.
I have never had so few material possessions
and I have never felt so wealthy.
So my message is this:
Please do the work.
Do the digging.
Set the boundaries.
Choice by choice you will come into alignment with
what is most true for you.
It will be hard.
You will cry.
You will mourn.
You might even wail.
I did.
I am discovering what
serves me in becoming the very best version of myself.
I want the same for you.
I have really struggled understanding that I can love everybody and have the utmost compassion but everyone cannot be in my life. This has bumped up against my extremely loyal beliefs about family and long term friendships. I have been angry and sad and confused so many times. I have sorted things out in my mind like piles of laundry on a Saturday morning and all
I can say about it is this…. it SUCKS. Truly.
I have had to look long and hard at myself because after you get sick of focusing on what others have done you have only yourself looking back in the mirror. This is not to say what happened was ok or that others did not play a role. One of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking that forgiving and condoning are synonymous. People say and do horrible things. Betrayal is brutal on the heart and mind. I believe life will bring all of us to our knees at many times in life. Places where we throw our hands up in despair. Places where we sit in our living rooms all alone at 3am and say:
"What the fuck, God?
You cannot be serious.
This cannot be how this story turns out."
I came to a place of surrender unlike anything I had ever known. After I did the hard work to forgive and release others I had to then offer myself the same thing. That was the hardest work I have ever done. I know that others had their work to do with me. I had caused hurt, they had felt betrayed too. The softest place I could find for my heart to rest was knowing that I never, ever had intention to cause harm. For me that was the the turning point where I could start self-forgiveness and rebuilding my own life. Yes, I hurt people and people hurt me but I did not stay up late at night with a pen an paper plotting ways to hurt them. My best guess is they were not plotting to hurt me either.
It just happened.
There was nothing left to do but mine for the gold that I was certain existed in the rubble. I do believe that life is a classroom and everything that shows up is a teacher for us. Personal growth has always been a top priority for me and how could I have taken a PhD level course in boundaries without having my own boundaries violated and infringing on the boundaries of others?
It took three long years but I finally reached a place where I even felt like forgiveness was a little arrogant on my part.
If I was choosing to believe that everything was perfect for my own growth then was there really a need for forgiveness?
Maybe what I needed to say instead was thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what I could learn no other way.
Thank you for saying and doing things exactly as you did.
It really was perfect.
My whole life is better now.
I have a peace and a joy and a contentment
that I have never known.
I realized that life was not happening TO me it was happening FOR me. I have more compassion
for myself and others.
I am clearer on my passion and purpose.
I am doing work that fills my soul.
I have never had so few material possessions
and I have never felt so wealthy.
So my message is this:
Please do the work.
Do the digging.
Set the boundaries.
Choice by choice you will come into alignment with
what is most true for you.
It will be hard.
You will cry.
You will mourn.
You might even wail.
I did.
But it will be glorious.
Why?
Because becoming all of who you are is the very best thing you can do for yourself and everyone that you love.
It's your part in evolving the entire human race.
It's your part in evolving the entire human race.
It's a big responsibility.
I am too far in to turn back now.
Want to keep each other company?
On a lighter but still relevant note...here is a great quote
from one of my favorite authors:
from one of my favorite authors:
"No, is a complete sentence." Anne Lamott
And here is a little something that I saw
on Pinterest that I LOVE:
If I cut you out of my life,
chances are you handed me the scissors.
Let's raise our glass to boundaries, to the truth and
falling in love with ourselves.
falling in love with ourselves.
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