Life is a Beautiful Mess

What I have noticed today is how very tender my heart 

has become with each passing year. 

I think it can go either way as we age. 

Life is a beautiful mess.

 It could turn us bitter and hard or tender and soft. 

I look around my own life and just in this one short day

 I have had my heart broken open multiple times. 

I heard about the intense physical pain of a friend who just had major surgery and how vulnerable that felt to those around her bedside. They could not fix it but had to find a way to be in the room and love her through it. 

Then I heard about the reconciliation of two family members that is long overdue. It brought tears to my eyes thinking of how easily a loved one or ourselves could leave this earth without saying "I love you" or "I miss you" or "I'm so sorry". 

My mother told me a hilarious story today of bringing the ashes of her friend's husband to her. He had not been a

 nice man or a kind husband for the majority of his life.

 My mother made him (his ashes) ride in the back seat 

on the way to his widow, and she told him so. 

Something along the lines of "there's no way you

 are riding in the front with me, you bastard".

When she got to their designated meeting place she handed the ashes to her friend who simply remarked he was quite heavy and then proceeded to put him in the passengers seat and tell him that this would be the first time in their marriage that he would ride with her and not criticize her driving. 

These woman have been friends for over 50 years. 

Marriages. Babies. Divorce. Sickness. Death of a child.

They have weathered the storm.

I felt like I was watching a scene in a great movie with the pain and heartache of a difficult marriage culminating in a parking lot with his wife standing strong with her friend 

and ready to reclaim her own life at 76 years old. 

I laughed so hard at this story. 

The raw, honest, painful, hilarious truth.

Then later it was the excruciating heartbreak of one of my closest friends who has more on her plate right now than any human should ever have to deal with at one time. I can't do a single thing for her except call her multiple times per day and love her through it. Today she made such a strange noise I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying. When I asked her she said I'm craughing....crying and laughing...which made us laugh and cry even more. 

What more can we do? 

Be there.

 Listen. 

Listen some more. 

If we live close by we can make soup or pick up the mail or the children from school. We can do a load of laundry or clean a bathroom. Unfortunately I do not live near my friend so my support is done through the phone lines...but thank God for that. It was just one year ago that it was me who was sobbing every time she called and without her (and my other soul sisters) I am not sure how I would have made it. 

Her consistent love and her ability to listen without judgement or advice allowed me to walk through the darkest days of my life knowing that I was not alone. She believed that I would not only make it through this heartache 

but I would thrive and be happy again. 

She believed it for me until I could believe it for myself. 

My friend Lisa has always said "broken is open" and I 

believe that is true. The more my heart has broken the 

more it has opened. It sounds crazy but it's true.  

"Grief can be the garden of compassion. 

If you keep your heart open through everything, 

your pain can become your greatest ally in your 

life's search for love and wisdom." Rumi

That Rumi. He knew his shit.

So carry on with your own tender hearts and please, 

let's hold each other up the very best that we can. 

Pay Attention. Be Astonished. Tell About It.

Lent?

 What does it mean to you? 

I did not grow up Catholic, much to my dismay. It's not that I appreciate most of what the Catholic church stands for but being a lover of beauty from an early age it just seemed right to me that worshiping God/Goddess/All That Is 
should be done in a beautiful place and wow....Catholic churches are truly works of art. 
The detail. The rituals. 
I wanted the ashes on my forehead. I wanted the holy water splashed on me. I wanted to confess my secrets to the mysterious man in the box. I wanted to kneel on the bench and take communion. I wanted to learn how to make the sign of the cross on myself. I also LOVED Mary and how much she was represented. She was rarely talked about where I went to church, unless of course, it was Christmas Eve. Whenever I visited a Catholic church with friends growing up I was told not to do those things because I wasn't Catholic. 
Don't kneel. Don't take communion. Don't cross yourself.
It seemed very serious business and I did not take it lightly. 
I don't know what I thought might happen to me but I obeyed and watched with wide eyed wonder and a bit of envy at all the rituals that are part of the Catholic church. Lent was also something that I envied while growing up as it was not something we participated in. Can you believe it? I actually wanted to give something up. Again, it was the ritual I was intrigued by and still am. So this year I will celebrate lent. Many people honor the season of lent. 
It is not just for Catholics,

 and I have an idea......

I saw a Facebook post earlier that said to get a big, plastic garbage bag or a box and each day for the next 40 days (not counting Sundays) put something in the bag that you no longer want or use but something that would still be worthy of giving away. That beautiful sweater you just don't wear, that piece of art that doesn't speak to you anymore, those expensive shoes you HAD to have but have never worn....you get the idea. The good stuff. Then, at the end of 40 days you decide where you will donate this bag of treasures. Will it go to one place or will you give individual things away to specific people? 
It doesn't matter. 
You get to decide. 
I really love this idea and I am going to join in the fun and lighten up my life. I am also going to blog each day for the next 40 days (not counting Sundays) and share with you where I am finding the sacred in the ordinary. 

See that beautiful quote by Mary Oliver at the top left of my blog?

 INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIVING A LIFE:

 pay attention. 

be astonished.

 tell about it.

That was the intention of this blog when it first started and so that is what I plan to do.

I hope you can join me.

Baby Bird Funerals

My 8 year old daughter and I are visiting some friends and earlier today I was watching after her daughter until she came home from work. The girls were playing happily when they found a baby bird on the ground that had fallen from it's nest. It was still fuzzy and the feathers weren't even formed. It was so sad to see this lifeless creature laying on the ground after it's first attempt to fly or maybe being accidentally pushed out of the nest. 
Pretty soon the neighbor boys were there inspecting the baby bird too. 
Their mother was hollering for them not to touch it while they were hollering back...'we are only using ONE finger'. As if germs and bacteria won't affect you if you just use the ONE finger. I love the logic of children. The girls were screeching at the boys and I was on the porch trying to enjoy the weather and happy for the chance to be outside in semi-quietness so I wasn't exactly thrilled with the bird circus. The boys left for a bit and I breathed a sigh of grateful relief. They soon returned (loudly) with tiny hand rakes, shovels,trowels and various other garden tools. The girls had been trying to move the bird with leaves. 
But the boys? 
They had a plan. 
Pretty soon the bird was scooped up onto a tiny garden shovel and now what to do? The whole thing was getting on my nerves at this point because of the level of noise and the girls bossing the boys and the mother yelling at them and then the boys deciding to chase the girls and then ME with the dead creature on the shovel. I firmly suggested that it might be a good idea to respect nature and show a little more reverence for the birds short life. 

I suggested.....Perhaps we should bury the bird? 

YES. 

They seemed intrigued with this idea and I was intrigued with the idea of them going back home and leaving me to my porch sitting.

I showed them an easy spot to dig and it was done and over with pretty quickly.

I 

just

 wanted

 to 

quietly

sit

on

 the 

porch

ALONE

As much as I appreciate and love children I just wasn't  in the mood. 
You know what I'm talking about. 
I know you do. 
I wasn't raised in a neighborhood and did not raise my grown children in one so it is a challenge for me to have the whole neighborhood show up to play. Some with parents nearby and some with no idea where there parents were. 
Am I supposed to watch these kids? 
Am I responsible for them? 
Can I send them home?
What if they get hurt? 
My nerves were frazzled and I just wanted to watch over my own daughter and her friend. 

I was glad to see they had lost interest once the bird was buried and off they 
went in search of another adventure. 

Ahhhh......solitude....
something to read, a little cranberry juice over ice, a salty snack and I was in business. 

And then suddenly one of the boys was back and before I had a chance to roll my eyes I was reminded of the innocence and the sweetness of even the rowdiest little boy.

Why was he back?

He wanted to mark the grave with his pinwheel.

He pushed the glittery treasure into the earth right next to where he had buried the bird and then stood there for a moment, very quietly with his hands behind his back, 
paying his little boy respects.

It was tender, sacred and oh so sweet and I felt like I just witnessed a baby bird funeral.

And a little boy letting me see a piece of his heart.

Annoyance slipped away and love slipped right into it's place.

Take Care of YOU

I went into my favorite juice bar today. 
It is such a feel good place...happy people....great music playing....everything feels fresh, clean and healthy. While I was sitting at the counter enjoying my juice a man came in, ordered and then leaned against the counter to wait for his juice. I glanced over and noticed a tattoo on his arm. It said "TAKE CARE OF YOU". 
A message right when I needed it most....
I love when that happens.
 Those powerful signs that we know are meant for us. 
The sacred in the ordinary.
Sometimes I feel too shy to speak to strangers but today the words were coming out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. I said, "I really like your tattoo, I needed to hear that today". He was incredibly friendly and seemed genuinely touched that I had said something to him. He shared with me the story behind the tattoo. It was always what his mother would tell him and other family members when saying goodbye...
take care of YOU. 
It was a family thing and once his mom started saying it then everyone joined in. 
I am going to suggest right here and right now that we all start saying that to one another every time we say goodbye. How about even INSTEAD of goodbye....
what does good bye really mean anyway? 
Have a good bye? It makes no sense.
How about we stop that nonsense and remind each other of this 
sacred truth as much as we can....

TAKE CARE OF YOU

 It would have been too much for a tattoo but the rest of what his mother would say was something to the effect of....if you don't take care of you then you are no good to those you love or the world. His mother had passed away a couple of years ago and it spun him into a pretty dark place but with the love and support of his friends he made it through. I told him again how much I needed to hear that today and how grateful I was that our paths had crossed. I reached to shake his hand and instead he gave me a huge hug. 

Two strangers who really are not strangers at all. 

The daily part of taking care of YOU like exercise and eating right and praying or meditating are important but equally important is making big life decisions that take care of you. 
The ones that allow you to be ALL of you. 
The you that you came here to be.
 The big scary life changing things. 
The things that scare the shit right out of you.
Decisions that sometimes make other people feel bad, sad or mad. 
It's not easy.....this taking care of you idea. 
It takes guts and courage and a fair amount of mundane tasks in the mix.
I have to hit my yoga mat...again? 
I just did it yesterday.
I have to eat healthy EVERYday??? 
and floss?
every. single. day.
Really?
It's funny how much the life of your dreams looks very similar to hard work.

 Following your heart could include any manner of unpleasant things. 
Things like living with uncertainty and walking away from relationships that no longer serve  your highest good or leaving the job or house of your dreams 
because a bigger dream is calling you. 
Yes, it is risky business for sure.
 But even riskier to not do so, don't you think? 
My new friend suggested that I get a tattoo that said the same thing.
 And you know what?
 I am actually considering it because this story is just 
too good and the message is one of the keys to living your best life. 
Four simple words that form a creed to live by....

Take. Care. Of. You. 

Please do this...
for the sake of yourself, 
your children, 
your partner, 
your parents, 
 siblings, 
 pets,
 friends, 
employees or employer, 
co-workers, 
your neighbor,
 the barista.......
do it for the whole wide world. 
And go ahead and get it tattooed on your forehead or maybe just your arm...
it's up to YOU.

Red Geraniums and Peace Flags

My father had major surgery a week ago and although the surgery itself went well he has had lots of scary complications post op. I am his health care proxy and help him navigate his medical choices and decisions. I never realized what a tall order this was until this week when some of the decisions were very serious. There is so much to do in the practical, physical world and then there is the emotional and spiritual journey that we all go on with an aging parent. It is truly heartbreaking to watch the big, strong man that has always taken care of you become weak and vulnerable. I could write for days on that topic and someday I will. 

I'm short on sleep and good nutrition so today I just want to share a little something sweet about how the smallest things can help us through the toughest of days. 

The hospital is about and hour and fifteen minutes from my house and I have been making that trip 8 days in a row. The hospital is top notch but for whatever reason the actual town that it is in leaves a lot to be desired. It seems a little 'sketchy' as my older children would say. It's kind of sad and depressing in that Mini Mart, I ate my lunch at a gas station kind of way. You see a lot of people who seem pretty down and out and that always pulls on my empathic heart strings. Sometimes it is so hard to have THIS heart in THIS world.

As you get closer to the hospital you have to turn down a residential street of older homes. Maybe built in the 1930's. You can see that it was once a tree lined street but apparently a disease came through and wiped out all the mature trees so now it looks like a new, old neighborhood. A few days ago I noticed one house that stood out to me. It was white and oh, how I love a classic white house. The shutters are black and the siding is kind of like an old cedar shake style. Across the front of the house below some old windows there are three window boxes. They are filled with red geraniums and then a string of peace flags hangs across all three window boxes.

I believe that God is everywhere. 
In all people and places. 
No matter what.

 This little altar of simple beauty reminds me that there are people everywhere holding up the highest hope for this beautiful and battered world. I now look everyday at this lovely little church disguised as a house. It reminds me that the littlest things are often the most important and that we can never fully know the power of our small gestures or how much goodness might ripple out. I intend to drop a note on their doorstep once my father is out of the woods and let the people who live there know the comfort I have received from something as simple as some red geraniums and peace flags. 

Let's Talk About Boundaries, Shall We?

For the majority of my life I did not have good boundaries. 
It's quite possible I had no boundaries. 
I was kind of a poster child for the boundary 'less'. 
It's hard and vulnerable for me to admit.
 It's hard to make peace with, but it is a fact. 
Facts are facts. 
We may have MANY feelings about them, but at the end of the day they are still the facts. So it's true that I have many valid and important feelings about my lack of boundaries and the heartache that this brought into my experience. 
At the same time I give thanks, for these are my soul lessons. 

Do you have good boundaries?

Do you even know what they are?

Do you have good support for helping you figure this stuff out? (it's VERY hard sometimes) (and confusing)

Wikipedia says this about boundaries:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.

The article goes on to talk about what personal boundaries include and they are: physical, mental, psychological 
and spiritual boundaries involving  beliefs, 
emotions, intuitions and self esteem.

This is really important stuff you guys. 
We have to learn this even if we are 44, 64 or 104.
 We have to teach and model this to our children, our families and our friends. This is a precious life we are living and even if it's long it's short. We are constantly in a state of creation with our life. Every choice we make, every boundary we set or do not set. I am NO expert on this topic and in the midst of what I imagine will be a life long process. I beg you to seek professional help with this if you suspect it is stopping you from living life fully. You might need books, a  therapist, many friends, a retreat, a nap and if you are anything like me you will need MANY, MANY hot lavender baths 
and endless cups of soul soothing tea. 

I can offer little tidbits of what I have learned so far.

LISTEN TO and BELIEVE YOUR GUT

TRUST YOUR FEELINGS…..they are your soul's GPS

START CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE YOU TRUST

JOURNAL

WALK IN NATURE

BE GENTLE

DON'T DELAY….BABY STEPS ARE FINE

MAKE CHOICES THAT BRING YOU JOY

GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

TAKE A BATH (and another)

DRINK TEA

IF YOU HAVE A PORCH…SIT ON IT

I suppose I could go on and on but you get the idea. 
It is never, ever too late to start setting boundaries 
and learning to love yourself. 
NEVER TOO LATE.
Do you hear me?

This process has not been easy but choice by choice I am falling in love with Kimberly. The real Kimberly, 
NOT the one people want me to be or think that I am.
I am remembering what brings ME deep joy. 
And you know what? 
It's not that different from what brought me 
joy when I was 8 years old. 

Isn't that amazing?

I am finding such peace in the simple things. 
I am discovering what 
serves me in becoming the very best version of myself. 
I want the same for you. 
I have really struggled understanding that I can love everybody and have the utmost compassion but everyone cannot be in my life. This has bumped up against my extremely loyal beliefs about family and long term friendships. I have been angry and sad and confused so many times. I have sorted things out in my mind like piles of laundry on a Saturday morning and all 
I can say about it is this…. it SUCKS. Truly.
I have had to look long and hard at myself because after you get sick of focusing on what others have done you have only yourself looking back in the mirror. This is not to say what happened was ok or that others did not play a role. One of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking that forgiving and condoning are synonymous. People say and do horrible things. Betrayal is brutal on the heart and mind. I believe life will bring all of us to our knees at many times in life. Places where we throw our hands up in despair. Places where we sit in our living rooms all alone at 3am and say: 
"What the fuck, God? 
You cannot be serious. 
This cannot be how this story turns out."
 I came to a place of surrender unlike anything I had ever known. After I did the hard work to forgive and release others I had to then offer myself the same thing. That was the hardest work I have ever done. I know that others had their work to do with me. I had caused hurt, they had felt betrayed too. The softest place I could find for my heart to rest was knowing that I never, ever had intention to cause harm. For me that was the the turning point where I could start self-forgiveness and rebuilding my own life. Yes, I hurt people and people hurt me but I did not stay up late at night with a pen an paper plotting ways to hurt them. My best guess is they were not plotting to hurt me either. 
It just happened. 
There was nothing left to do but mine for the gold that I was certain existed in the rubble. I do believe that life is a classroom and everything that shows up is a teacher for us. Personal growth has always been a top priority for me and how could I have taken a PhD level course in boundaries without having my own boundaries violated and infringing on the boundaries of others?

 
It took three long years but I finally reached a place where I even felt like forgiveness was a little arrogant on my part. 
If I was choosing to believe that everything was perfect for my own growth then was there really a need for forgiveness?
Maybe what I needed to say instead was thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what I could learn no other way.
Thank you for saying and doing things exactly as you did.
It really was perfect. 
My whole life is better now. 
I have a peace and a joy and a contentment 
that I have never known.
I realized that life was not happening TO me it was happening FOR me. I have more compassion 
for myself and others.
I am clearer on my passion and purpose.
I am doing work that fills my soul.
I have never had so few material possessions 
and I have never felt so wealthy.

So my message is this:
Please do the work. 
Do the digging. 
Set the boundaries. 
Choice by choice you will come into alignment with 
what is most true for you. 
It will be hard. 
You will cry. 
You will mourn. 
You might even wail.
 I did. 

But it will be glorious.

Why?

Because becoming all of who you are is the very best thing you can do for yourself and everyone that you love. 
It's your part in evolving the entire human race.

It's a big responsibility. 

I am too far in to turn back now.

Want to keep each other company?

On a lighter but still relevant note...here is a great quote 
from one of my favorite authors:

"No, is a complete sentence." Anne Lamott

And here is a little something that I saw 

on Pinterest that I LOVE:

If I cut you out of my life, 

chances are you handed me the scissors.

Let's raise our glass to boundaries, to the truth and 
falling in love with ourselves.

Lilly, Sweet Lilly

Six years ago today my heart grew ten times its size. 

We flew half way across the world. 

We saw the Great Wall of China. 

The Forbidden City. 

Tiananmen Square. 

Then we boarded a plane from Beijing to Nanchang.

We were told by our guide Dennis to get settled in our hotel room and freshen up and then return to the lobby. The lobby filled up one by one with families who were filled to overflowing with joy and anticipation at what was about to happen. We piled on a big bus, rode a half hour thru a city we had never seen, packed ourselves onto an elevator like sardines and then entered the holiest of rooms.

The room where our daughter sat on the lap of one of her 'aunties'. 

The room where we would become parents for the fourth time. 

The room that changed the shape of my heart. 

We watched one by one as other families names were called out. 

We watched their joyous tears. 

Then we heard our own names. 

And then.......

they placed the sweetest baby in our arms. 

Our baby. 

I am so grateful for all the mysterious things, both big and small, that conspired to bring us to that exact moment.

 Lilly has graced us with her wisdom, her charm, 

her contagious joy and infectious laugh. 

She is a gift beyond measure. 

I will never, ever forget that day. 

Lilly....my sweet, sweet girl....

you are the bees knees 

the cats meow 

the frosting on the cake 

the glitter

the gold 

Thank you for calling on my heart precious girl.  

I love you.