Red Geraniums and Peace Flags

My father had major surgery a week ago and although the surgery itself went well he has had lots of scary complications post op. I am his health care proxy and help him navigate his medical choices and decisions. I never realized what a tall order this was until this week when some of the decisions were very serious. There is so much to do in the practical, physical world and then there is the emotional and spiritual journey that we all go on with an aging parent. It is truly heartbreaking to watch the big, strong man that has always taken care of you become weak and vulnerable. I could write for days on that topic and someday I will. 

I'm short on sleep and good nutrition so today I just want to share a little something sweet about how the smallest things can help us through the toughest of days. 

The hospital is about and hour and fifteen minutes from my house and I have been making that trip 8 days in a row. The hospital is top notch but for whatever reason the actual town that it is in leaves a lot to be desired. It seems a little 'sketchy' as my older children would say. It's kind of sad and depressing in that Mini Mart, I ate my lunch at a gas station kind of way. You see a lot of people who seem pretty down and out and that always pulls on my empathic heart strings. Sometimes it is so hard to have THIS heart in THIS world.

As you get closer to the hospital you have to turn down a residential street of older homes. Maybe built in the 1930's. You can see that it was once a tree lined street but apparently a disease came through and wiped out all the mature trees so now it looks like a new, old neighborhood. A few days ago I noticed one house that stood out to me. It was white and oh, how I love a classic white house. The shutters are black and the siding is kind of like an old cedar shake style. Across the front of the house below some old windows there are three window boxes. They are filled with red geraniums and then a string of peace flags hangs across all three window boxes.

I believe that God is everywhere. 
In all people and places. 
No matter what.

 This little altar of simple beauty reminds me that there are people everywhere holding up the highest hope for this beautiful and battered world. I now look everyday at this lovely little church disguised as a house. It reminds me that the littlest things are often the most important and that we can never fully know the power of our small gestures or how much goodness might ripple out. I intend to drop a note on their doorstep once my father is out of the woods and let the people who live there know the comfort I have received from something as simple as some red geraniums and peace flags. 

Let's Talk About Boundaries, Shall We?

For the majority of my life I did not have good boundaries. 
It's quite possible I had no boundaries. 
I was kind of a poster child for the boundary 'less'. 
It's hard and vulnerable for me to admit.
 It's hard to make peace with, but it is a fact. 
Facts are facts. 
We may have MANY feelings about them, but at the end of the day they are still the facts. So it's true that I have many valid and important feelings about my lack of boundaries and the heartache that this brought into my experience. 
At the same time I give thanks, for these are my soul lessons. 

Do you have good boundaries?

Do you even know what they are?

Do you have good support for helping you figure this stuff out? (it's VERY hard sometimes) (and confusing)

Wikipedia says this about boundaries:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.

The article goes on to talk about what personal boundaries include and they are: physical, mental, psychological 
and spiritual boundaries involving  beliefs, 
emotions, intuitions and self esteem.

This is really important stuff you guys. 
We have to learn this even if we are 44, 64 or 104.
 We have to teach and model this to our children, our families and our friends. This is a precious life we are living and even if it's long it's short. We are constantly in a state of creation with our life. Every choice we make, every boundary we set or do not set. I am NO expert on this topic and in the midst of what I imagine will be a life long process. I beg you to seek professional help with this if you suspect it is stopping you from living life fully. You might need books, a  therapist, many friends, a retreat, a nap and if you are anything like me you will need MANY, MANY hot lavender baths 
and endless cups of soul soothing tea. 

I can offer little tidbits of what I have learned so far.

LISTEN TO and BELIEVE YOUR GUT

TRUST YOUR FEELINGS…..they are your soul's GPS

START CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE YOU TRUST

JOURNAL

WALK IN NATURE

BE GENTLE

DON'T DELAY….BABY STEPS ARE FINE

MAKE CHOICES THAT BRING YOU JOY

GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

TAKE A BATH (and another)

DRINK TEA

IF YOU HAVE A PORCH…SIT ON IT

I suppose I could go on and on but you get the idea. 
It is never, ever too late to start setting boundaries 
and learning to love yourself. 
NEVER TOO LATE.
Do you hear me?

This process has not been easy but choice by choice I am falling in love with Kimberly. The real Kimberly, 
NOT the one people want me to be or think that I am.
I am remembering what brings ME deep joy. 
And you know what? 
It's not that different from what brought me 
joy when I was 8 years old. 

Isn't that amazing?

I am finding such peace in the simple things. 
I am discovering what 
serves me in becoming the very best version of myself. 
I want the same for you. 
I have really struggled understanding that I can love everybody and have the utmost compassion but everyone cannot be in my life. This has bumped up against my extremely loyal beliefs about family and long term friendships. I have been angry and sad and confused so many times. I have sorted things out in my mind like piles of laundry on a Saturday morning and all 
I can say about it is this…. it SUCKS. Truly.
I have had to look long and hard at myself because after you get sick of focusing on what others have done you have only yourself looking back in the mirror. This is not to say what happened was ok or that others did not play a role. One of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking that forgiving and condoning are synonymous. People say and do horrible things. Betrayal is brutal on the heart and mind. I believe life will bring all of us to our knees at many times in life. Places where we throw our hands up in despair. Places where we sit in our living rooms all alone at 3am and say: 
"What the fuck, God? 
You cannot be serious. 
This cannot be how this story turns out."
 I came to a place of surrender unlike anything I had ever known. After I did the hard work to forgive and release others I had to then offer myself the same thing. That was the hardest work I have ever done. I know that others had their work to do with me. I had caused hurt, they had felt betrayed too. The softest place I could find for my heart to rest was knowing that I never, ever had intention to cause harm. For me that was the the turning point where I could start self-forgiveness and rebuilding my own life. Yes, I hurt people and people hurt me but I did not stay up late at night with a pen an paper plotting ways to hurt them. My best guess is they were not plotting to hurt me either. 
It just happened. 
There was nothing left to do but mine for the gold that I was certain existed in the rubble. I do believe that life is a classroom and everything that shows up is a teacher for us. Personal growth has always been a top priority for me and how could I have taken a PhD level course in boundaries without having my own boundaries violated and infringing on the boundaries of others?

 
It took three long years but I finally reached a place where I even felt like forgiveness was a little arrogant on my part. 
If I was choosing to believe that everything was perfect for my own growth then was there really a need for forgiveness?
Maybe what I needed to say instead was thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what I could learn no other way.
Thank you for saying and doing things exactly as you did.
It really was perfect. 
My whole life is better now. 
I have a peace and a joy and a contentment 
that I have never known.
I realized that life was not happening TO me it was happening FOR me. I have more compassion 
for myself and others.
I am clearer on my passion and purpose.
I am doing work that fills my soul.
I have never had so few material possessions 
and I have never felt so wealthy.

So my message is this:
Please do the work. 
Do the digging. 
Set the boundaries. 
Choice by choice you will come into alignment with 
what is most true for you. 
It will be hard. 
You will cry. 
You will mourn. 
You might even wail.
 I did. 

But it will be glorious.

Why?

Because becoming all of who you are is the very best thing you can do for yourself and everyone that you love. 
It's your part in evolving the entire human race.

It's a big responsibility. 

I am too far in to turn back now.

Want to keep each other company?

On a lighter but still relevant note...here is a great quote 
from one of my favorite authors:

"No, is a complete sentence." Anne Lamott

And here is a little something that I saw 

on Pinterest that I LOVE:

If I cut you out of my life, 

chances are you handed me the scissors.

Let's raise our glass to boundaries, to the truth and 
falling in love with ourselves.

Lilly, Sweet Lilly

Six years ago today my heart grew ten times its size. 

We flew half way across the world. 

We saw the Great Wall of China. 

The Forbidden City. 

Tiananmen Square. 

Then we boarded a plane from Beijing to Nanchang.

We were told by our guide Dennis to get settled in our hotel room and freshen up and then return to the lobby. The lobby filled up one by one with families who were filled to overflowing with joy and anticipation at what was about to happen. We piled on a big bus, rode a half hour thru a city we had never seen, packed ourselves onto an elevator like sardines and then entered the holiest of rooms.

The room where our daughter sat on the lap of one of her 'aunties'. 

The room where we would become parents for the fourth time. 

The room that changed the shape of my heart. 

We watched one by one as other families names were called out. 

We watched their joyous tears. 

Then we heard our own names. 

And then.......

they placed the sweetest baby in our arms. 

Our baby. 

I am so grateful for all the mysterious things, both big and small, that conspired to bring us to that exact moment.

 Lilly has graced us with her wisdom, her charm, 

her contagious joy and infectious laugh. 

She is a gift beyond measure. 

I will never, ever forget that day. 

Lilly....my sweet, sweet girl....

you are the bees knees 

the cats meow 

the frosting on the cake 

the glitter

the gold 

Thank you for calling on my heart precious girl.  

I love you.  

Even the Hard Stuff.

I loved how the light was shining into the bathroom 

on this late fall afternoon.

 Our home is a work in progress. 

I guess that's how most people feel about their home.

 However, it is possible that I have an extreme case 

of 'work in progress'. 

We started building our house in 2006.

 We moved in in 2010. 

Do the math.

Yes, four years from the day we broke ground 

until the day we moved in.

And you know how people say don't ever move into an unfinished house because you will never finish it? 

Yeah, that's true. 

Not funny, but true.

 There are many days I am just so incredibly 

grateful that I can overlook it. 

Embrace it even.

  Then there are the other days.

The days where I want to feel grateful but I don't.

Days where I feel ashamed that I still want more 

when I obviously have so much. 

I feel frustrated that none of my windows have trim around them. I feel so totally over my makeshift kitchen and my concrete floors. I allow myself a few hours to just feel it all. To feel that this was not the way I imagined things would be when we were in the dream of building our house. I didn't want the house for the sake of a big pretty house to impress people....I wanted the house for the life that would happen inside those walls. The memories that we would make as a family. The Christmas trees, the birthday parties, the all day in pajamas, movie marathon quiet days. All the days that happen in the ordinary life of a family...games of Uno, pots of soup, long hot baths, reading late into the night, big ugly cries filled with disappointment and the pain of loss or betrayal, heart to heart conversations with loved ones. I have loved houses all of my life, especially older homes. I love to think of the stories embedded in those walls. The joy and the pain, the laughter and heartache. The house bears witness to all of it and holds the space for us to grow and unfold day after day, year after year.

So my frustration is that this life I was envisioning was somehow not quite happening. I wanted to fully live my days with my family, not always be in construction mode. I wanted the house to be the container for all of our adventures. Instead it sometimes seemed that the house took more than it gave. It took so much time, so much money and robbed us of peace of mind more days than I care to admit. The truth is that it is harder 

to live in an unfinished house. 

Harder to clean. 

Harder to organize. 

Closets with no shelves.

Bathrooms with no showers.

 Kitchens with no dishwasher and no cupboards. 

Blah, blah, blah.

On these days I will swing from one extreme to another. First I will think of people that seem better off than me, people who built houses after me but moved in before me.

 People who have trim and flooring.

Yes, it's true I envy people with trim. 

Then I will think of those with so much less...those who aren't sure how to feed their family or those that don't know where they will sleep from night to night. 

Then I remember that ALL comparison injures.

When I am done with all of that I get a grip and start thinking of what I am grateful for.

I may not totally FEEL the gratitude in that moment but I start making a mental checklist and I know that every soul has a journey and things that are challenging. Assignments I guess you could call them. These are the places that we grow in. We all know that we don't grow when everything is rosy and easy.

I really do believe in saying thank you for everything.

EVERYTHING.

Yup, even the sucky stuff. Even the hard stuff.

I sometimes remember to actually say thank you out loud in the middle of something that seems to super suck. 

Somewhere I know something is growing. 

Something is changing.

 I am getting stronger. 

More vulnerable 

(I am finally accepting that vulnerability IS strength)

(Why is that so hard to accept???)

More authentic. 

More me. 

I heard once that if everyone threw their troubles into a pile you would run back to grab your own.

Think about it. 

Don't be so quick to hate your problems 

or want to wish them away. 

Accept them. 

Let them in. 

Make room for them.

They are working inside of you and clearing the way for something else. How do we know that our deepest struggles aren't 

clearing the path for our greatest joys? 

We really don't know, so lets just say thank you.

For everything.

Scenes from a Sunday Afternoon

A jar of marbles just says joy. I love to think of the days when children actually played with marbles as a favorite toy. 

I can go a long way with gratitude. And Mother Mary.

Being surrounded by trees helps too.

a little tea? some tomatoes? fairy soap?

my favorite salad of all time

putting the plants to bed for winter

I really do eat healthy like this. 

Sometimes. 

No, really…I do.

Ignore the messy part and the iPad charger. 

Focus instead on the beauty.

Advice not only for the above photo but also for life.

How is your Sunday shaping up?

Twinkle Lights

Looking through my photos tonight and remembering this extra sweet summer night.

My friend Kai invited Lilly and I over for dinner. Her son Sawyer is just a few months older than Lilly and they play so well together. Kai made a great dinner and we enjoyed a glass of wine (or two) and ate our meal next to the fire outside. 

It was simple but it was magical. 

It had all the perfect elements:

the laughter of children

warm temperatures

lightening bugs

wine

delicious food

a fire to sit around

great conversation

and of course……

twinkle lights.

Never, ever, ever forget the twinkle lights.

Hidden Treasure

These pictures are from a walk we went on in early September. One of those days where suddenly it's not summer anymore and you know you better get some more outside time before it's REALLY not summer. It always happens so you think I would be prepared but I am never ready to let summer go. It doesn't last long enough where we live in upstate New York and there is so much fun to be had when the days are warm and long. Whether we are picking berries, wading in the creek, watching the fireworks, going to outdoor concerts or just lounging on our wonderful front porch we are always so content during summer. A return to my own childhood for at least a few weeks.

 I LOVE summer. I want it to last forever.

And then…..it's subtle, it catches you off guard but it can't be missed. The light changes, the air changes. It still looks like summer but the earth has made her turn while you were sitting around the campfire eating roasted marshmallows. Make no mistake it is time to get out the socks, the pants, the boots, the scarves, the crockpot, the extra blankets. 

Goodbye flip-flops. 

Goodbye front porch. 

Goodbye wading in the creek. 

Why do you have to leave the party when I was just getting started???? 

So it was on this very day that I woke up and I could feel that shift in the light and the air and a depression starts to hang around me like a rain cloud. I eventually will embrace pots of soup and heavy sweaters and movie night and turning on the heat but when that first unmistakable sign of the changing seasons shows up I am not ready and…..

 I am not embracing it.

 At all. 

Not even a little bit.

We decided to go for a walk to a place we had driven by a hundred times or more and always wondered about but never took the time to stop. It is a nature preserve full of walking paths and fields and woods and flowing creeks. We played in the water a little bit, took a nice hike and then we decided to follow a second path to a different spot in the creek and Lilly and I rounded the bottom of a steep hill and walked straight to the water. We must have played there for a good five minutes until Scott said 'turn around'…..and this heart wall was behind us. Ahhhhhh…….Amazing. Breathtaking. A beautiful pause to just stand there and take it in with our hearts and our eyes. Who started this? How long had it been here? Lilly and I always find hearts in stones, shapes on the ground, shells and other places in nature so we immediately went searching for a heart to add to this altar in the woods.

I love that people took the time to make this offering. I love to think of how many people had the same surprise moment that the three of us had that sweet day. I like the feeling of being part of something, of being connected to strangers who care about art and beauty and love. I like to think of our hearts that we placed that day as our thank you to the summer of 2013. Thank you for family reunions, for friends that lingered on my porch with either coffee or cocktails, lots of picnics and playgrounds, a camping trip to the beach, outdoor concerts and Beatrix Potter plays in the garden, wading in the creek, picking blueberries, watching summer storms roll in from the comfort of our covered porch, making pizza over an open fire with my beloveds, for new friends and old….thank you. I'm going to miss you but I know it's time for you to go and I can't make you stay. 

I will meet you on my porch May 1. 

Be there.