Tender Hearts

Do you ever have days where your heart feels so incredibly tender you almost can't bear it? I sure do. In fact I have a very, very tender heart today. Nothing is wrong. Nothing sad or bad has happened. In fact, quite the opposite. The kindness that I have received, given and witnessed today has brought me to my knees. I am crying for no real reason other than the sheer gratitude I feel for this life and the way we all hold each other up and show our love in a myriad of ways. This life can and will batter us about. Things can and will happen that make no sense and seem so unfair. I am always amazed by the power of the human spirit to keep going when the going feels not just rough but impossible. Many years ago I read in 'A Course in Miracles' that in the end the only real thing will be the love we have given and the love we have received. I am starting to really see how true this is. It is the kindness we extend that matters most. It's the minute by minute, day by day and week by week love, support, kindness and understanding that we offer to one another that makes life so sweet. After 25 years of hosting her talk show Oprah said this is what people 

really want...to be seen...to be heard...to know they matter.

“I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’

“Understanding that one principle, that everybody wants to be heard, has allowed me to hold the microphone for you all these years with the least amount of judgment. Now I can’t say I wasn’t judging some days. Some days, I had to judge just a little bit. But it’s helped me to stand and to try to do that with an open mind and to do it with an open heart. It has worked for this platform, and I guarantee you it will work for yours. Try it with your children, your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends. Validate them. ‘I see you. I hear you. And what you say matters to me.’” — Oprah  May 25, 2011

I see you. I hear you. 

And what you say matters to me.

So simple yet so profound. The ways to be kind are really so easy. See people. Hear people. Make sure they know that what they say matters to you. Making them food helps too.

I am going to take my tender heart and make some comfort food for my loved ones, soak in a very hot bath, then put on my favorite pajamas and watch a feel good movie. How about you? How can you treat yourself and others with gentle kindness tonight?

I will leave you with this thought for today:

"My religion is simple.

                My religion is kindness."    Dalai Lama

Let's Talk About Boundaries. Again.

We have to talk about boundaries again.

Why? 

Here's why:

Isn't it amazing how you can so peaceful and content, 

minding your own business, spending the day cozy inside 

with sub-zero temperatures outside and then suddenly 
be pulled into another person's reality? 
An out of the blue phone call.
Happy to see who it was on the caller ID.

Someone you love on the other end.

At first all seems fine, just catching up on life since we last spoke. 

Then, suddenly we have turned a corner into

 a dangerous neighborhood.

An accusation, a judgement, hurtful words.

I know instantly by the way my whole body is having a reaction that my personal boundaries are being violated. I think of that movie 'Inside Out'...... I imagine all the whistles 

and bells going off in my brain. 

ALERT. ALERT. 

HER BOUNDARIES ARE BEING VIOLATED.

SEND THE RESERVES. SEND THE SUPPLIES.

DO SOMETHING!!! DO ANYTHING!!!

Everything is jumping for attention at once in my mind.

Can you believe this asshole?

Why does he want to hurt me?

Hurt him back.

Hang up on him.

No, don't hurt him. You love him.

Ouch.

Under this anger this really hurts.

I feel misunderstood.

I feel judged.

I feel invisible.
I feel like I don't matter.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Tears well up. My heart is racing.

I let him go on. I try to defend myself a little. 

I quickly recognize the futility of this.

Suddenly the wiser, more mature, emotionally stable version of me finds her way to the control board and says "If you want to talk about the weather or how my daughter 

is doing in school then I am happy to talk but this is not 

a topic that I want to discuss." 

Click. 

Wait, what?

Let me get this straight. You call me.

YOU bombard me with unsolicited advice, harsh judgement and the opinions you have sought from other sources while denying what I have told you is true for ME. Then, when I set a healthy boundary for myself, you hang up on ME? 

Wait, what?

Quite some time ago I wrote a lengthy post about boundaries. 

I have had to read it over myself many, many times. 

Specifically the definition of boundaries.

As life would have it I had just read that definition earlier in the day and it was fresh on my mind. Little did I know I would need to use it so soon. When I decided to start writing here again and begin this 40 day project for lent I made up my mind I would stick to the original intent of this blog. It was: to pay attention, be astonished and tell about it. I also have the intention to be real and not sugar coat or only tell the yummy stuff. 
The vast majority of the time 

I am astonished by amazing, wonderful, 

uplifting, beautiful moments. 

I set out to look for these moments on purpose.

And then....sometimes I am astonished in 

shocking and hurtful ways. 

I want to tell about that too. Because not only am 

I seeker of beauty, I am a seeker of truth. 

 I am guessing that if I need a reminder about setting 

boundaries that you might too. 

I love, love, love this definition of boundaries and think this should be a class we are taught in school. Imagine a whole curriculum based on this:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are built of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and  social learning. Personal boundaries include: physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self esteem.

There is a lot here to take in. 

Read it again. And again. And again.

My favorite part is:

 "that a person creates to identify for themselves"

THEMSELVES

Nobody decides this for you. 

You decide. 

You become your own authority.

You get to know yourself well enough that you know what your boundaries are. You know that they might be very different from someone else. You don't care. They are your OWN. 

You identify them. You create them. You enforce them.

You learn what it feels like inside yourself when your boundaries are being infringed on. You protect yourself when you feel this happening. You don't let other peoples feelings matter more than your own emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual safety.

I was astonished today at how many false ideas someone that I love deeply has about my personal life. Judgements that are not based on facts. I was astonished that someone thinks they know better for me than me. Perhaps I gave this person to much power in my life in the past and now they are a bit uncomfortable with the change in dynamics. If I do not ask you for advice than please do not give it to me. You may love me from the depths of your heart but this does not ever mean you know what is best for me. You are not having my experience. Love is not judgement. Love is not unsolicited advice. Love is not accusation. 
Love is support. Love is saying 

"I have no idea what you are feeling but I am here" 

Love says "How can I help?" Love says "How about a cup 

of coffee?" or "Do you want to go for a walk?"

Just as importantly we must respect the boundaries of others. Remember that idea that there are three kinds of business?

My business. Your business. God's business. 

You are not me and you are not God so that only leaves 

one business for you to be in. 

 

Just for Today

Today I am grateful for so much. 

I was paying attention. 

I was astonished. 

I will tell you about it.

Waking up before the sun and listening to the birds.

Launching my website.

Getting great feedback.

Feeling brave.

The first day of winter break and 

staying in pajamas until noon with my daughter.

The sound of the knife on the cutting board as I 
chopped vegetables for chicken and dumplings.

Clean dishes dried and ready to be put away.

A clean bathroom.

A new broom.

The fifth day of no caffeine and the way 

my mind feels clearer and my eyes brighter.

A friend bringing dinner and spending the evening with me.

The sound of her son and my daughter playing and laughing.

Cuddling up with them while they took turns reading 
in a new book they had given Lilly for her birthday.

Listening to each of them share how they start their 
mornings at school with their teachers and classmates.

Sad stories. Funny stories. Hard stories.

Laughter.

Understanding.

Truth telling.

Sharing old pictures of ourselves and agreeing that 
life does something beautiful to our faces as we grow older.

A midnight snack of super sharp cheddar cheese, smokehouse crackers and apple juice.

It is astonishing.

 All of the goodness inside of one day.

Just for today, no matter what is happening in your life, decide to look for beauty. Make it your job to focus on what is good. The more we focus on what we are grateful for the more we have to be grateful for. I have tried this even in the darkest times of my life and it changes my 

heart and my mind. 

every. single. time.

Even if you are going through your hardest days, 

I assure you there are still things to be grateful for. 

So go get a pen and some paper.

Pay attention.

Tell us about it. 

You will be astonished too.

Life is a Beautiful Mess

What I have noticed today is how very tender my heart 

has become with each passing year. 

I think it can go either way as we age. 

Life is a beautiful mess.

 It could turn us bitter and hard or tender and soft. 

I look around my own life and just in this one short day

 I have had my heart broken open multiple times. 

I heard about the intense physical pain of a friend who just had major surgery and how vulnerable that felt to those around her bedside. They could not fix it but had to find a way to be in the room and love her through it. 

Then I heard about the reconciliation of two family members that is long overdue. It brought tears to my eyes thinking of how easily a loved one or ourselves could leave this earth without saying "I love you" or "I miss you" or "I'm so sorry". 

My mother told me a hilarious story today of bringing the ashes of her friend's husband to her. He had not been a

 nice man or a kind husband for the majority of his life.

 My mother made him (his ashes) ride in the back seat 

on the way to his widow, and she told him so. 

Something along the lines of "there's no way you

 are riding in the front with me, you bastard".

When she got to their designated meeting place she handed the ashes to her friend who simply remarked he was quite heavy and then proceeded to put him in the passengers seat and tell him that this would be the first time in their marriage that he would ride with her and not criticize her driving. 

These woman have been friends for over 50 years. 

Marriages. Babies. Divorce. Sickness. Death of a child.

They have weathered the storm.

I felt like I was watching a scene in a great movie with the pain and heartache of a difficult marriage culminating in a parking lot with his wife standing strong with her friend 

and ready to reclaim her own life at 76 years old. 

I laughed so hard at this story. 

The raw, honest, painful, hilarious truth.

Then later it was the excruciating heartbreak of one of my closest friends who has more on her plate right now than any human should ever have to deal with at one time. I can't do a single thing for her except call her multiple times per day and love her through it. Today she made such a strange noise I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying. When I asked her she said I'm craughing....crying and laughing...which made us laugh and cry even more. 

What more can we do? 

Be there.

 Listen. 

Listen some more. 

If we live close by we can make soup or pick up the mail or the children from school. We can do a load of laundry or clean a bathroom. Unfortunately I do not live near my friend so my support is done through the phone lines...but thank God for that. It was just one year ago that it was me who was sobbing every time she called and without her (and my other soul sisters) I am not sure how I would have made it. 

Her consistent love and her ability to listen without judgement or advice allowed me to walk through the darkest days of my life knowing that I was not alone. She believed that I would not only make it through this heartache 

but I would thrive and be happy again. 

She believed it for me until I could believe it for myself. 

My friend Lisa has always said "broken is open" and I 

believe that is true. The more my heart has broken the 

more it has opened. It sounds crazy but it's true.  

"Grief can be the garden of compassion. 

If you keep your heart open through everything, 

your pain can become your greatest ally in your 

life's search for love and wisdom." Rumi

That Rumi. He knew his shit.

So carry on with your own tender hearts and please, 

let's hold each other up the very best that we can. 

Pay Attention. Be Astonished. Tell About It.

Lent?

 What does it mean to you? 

I did not grow up Catholic, much to my dismay. It's not that I appreciate most of what the Catholic church stands for but being a lover of beauty from an early age it just seemed right to me that worshiping God/Goddess/All That Is 
should be done in a beautiful place and wow....Catholic churches are truly works of art. 
The detail. The rituals. 
I wanted the ashes on my forehead. I wanted the holy water splashed on me. I wanted to confess my secrets to the mysterious man in the box. I wanted to kneel on the bench and take communion. I wanted to learn how to make the sign of the cross on myself. I also LOVED Mary and how much she was represented. She was rarely talked about where I went to church, unless of course, it was Christmas Eve. Whenever I visited a Catholic church with friends growing up I was told not to do those things because I wasn't Catholic. 
Don't kneel. Don't take communion. Don't cross yourself.
It seemed very serious business and I did not take it lightly. 
I don't know what I thought might happen to me but I obeyed and watched with wide eyed wonder and a bit of envy at all the rituals that are part of the Catholic church. Lent was also something that I envied while growing up as it was not something we participated in. Can you believe it? I actually wanted to give something up. Again, it was the ritual I was intrigued by and still am. So this year I will celebrate lent. Many people honor the season of lent. 
It is not just for Catholics,

 and I have an idea......

I saw a Facebook post earlier that said to get a big, plastic garbage bag or a box and each day for the next 40 days (not counting Sundays) put something in the bag that you no longer want or use but something that would still be worthy of giving away. That beautiful sweater you just don't wear, that piece of art that doesn't speak to you anymore, those expensive shoes you HAD to have but have never worn....you get the idea. The good stuff. Then, at the end of 40 days you decide where you will donate this bag of treasures. Will it go to one place or will you give individual things away to specific people? 
It doesn't matter. 
You get to decide. 
I really love this idea and I am going to join in the fun and lighten up my life. I am also going to blog each day for the next 40 days (not counting Sundays) and share with you where I am finding the sacred in the ordinary. 

See that beautiful quote by Mary Oliver at the top left of my blog?

 INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIVING A LIFE:

 pay attention. 

be astonished.

 tell about it.

That was the intention of this blog when it first started and so that is what I plan to do.

I hope you can join me.

Baby Bird Funerals

My 8 year old daughter and I are visiting some friends and earlier today I was watching after her daughter until she came home from work. The girls were playing happily when they found a baby bird on the ground that had fallen from it's nest. It was still fuzzy and the feathers weren't even formed. It was so sad to see this lifeless creature laying on the ground after it's first attempt to fly or maybe being accidentally pushed out of the nest. 
Pretty soon the neighbor boys were there inspecting the baby bird too. 
Their mother was hollering for them not to touch it while they were hollering back...'we are only using ONE finger'. As if germs and bacteria won't affect you if you just use the ONE finger. I love the logic of children. The girls were screeching at the boys and I was on the porch trying to enjoy the weather and happy for the chance to be outside in semi-quietness so I wasn't exactly thrilled with the bird circus. The boys left for a bit and I breathed a sigh of grateful relief. They soon returned (loudly) with tiny hand rakes, shovels,trowels and various other garden tools. The girls had been trying to move the bird with leaves. 
But the boys? 
They had a plan. 
Pretty soon the bird was scooped up onto a tiny garden shovel and now what to do? The whole thing was getting on my nerves at this point because of the level of noise and the girls bossing the boys and the mother yelling at them and then the boys deciding to chase the girls and then ME with the dead creature on the shovel. I firmly suggested that it might be a good idea to respect nature and show a little more reverence for the birds short life. 

I suggested.....Perhaps we should bury the bird? 

YES. 

They seemed intrigued with this idea and I was intrigued with the idea of them going back home and leaving me to my porch sitting.

I showed them an easy spot to dig and it was done and over with pretty quickly.

I 

just

 wanted

 to 

quietly

sit

on

 the 

porch

ALONE

As much as I appreciate and love children I just wasn't  in the mood. 
You know what I'm talking about. 
I know you do. 
I wasn't raised in a neighborhood and did not raise my grown children in one so it is a challenge for me to have the whole neighborhood show up to play. Some with parents nearby and some with no idea where there parents were. 
Am I supposed to watch these kids? 
Am I responsible for them? 
Can I send them home?
What if they get hurt? 
My nerves were frazzled and I just wanted to watch over my own daughter and her friend. 

I was glad to see they had lost interest once the bird was buried and off they 
went in search of another adventure. 

Ahhhh......solitude....
something to read, a little cranberry juice over ice, a salty snack and I was in business. 

And then suddenly one of the boys was back and before I had a chance to roll my eyes I was reminded of the innocence and the sweetness of even the rowdiest little boy.

Why was he back?

He wanted to mark the grave with his pinwheel.

He pushed the glittery treasure into the earth right next to where he had buried the bird and then stood there for a moment, very quietly with his hands behind his back, 
paying his little boy respects.

It was tender, sacred and oh so sweet and I felt like I just witnessed a baby bird funeral.

And a little boy letting me see a piece of his heart.

Annoyance slipped away and love slipped right into it's place.

Take Care of YOU

I went into my favorite juice bar today. 
It is such a feel good place...happy people....great music playing....everything feels fresh, clean and healthy. While I was sitting at the counter enjoying my juice a man came in, ordered and then leaned against the counter to wait for his juice. I glanced over and noticed a tattoo on his arm. It said "TAKE CARE OF YOU". 
A message right when I needed it most....
I love when that happens.
 Those powerful signs that we know are meant for us. 
The sacred in the ordinary.
Sometimes I feel too shy to speak to strangers but today the words were coming out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. I said, "I really like your tattoo, I needed to hear that today". He was incredibly friendly and seemed genuinely touched that I had said something to him. He shared with me the story behind the tattoo. It was always what his mother would tell him and other family members when saying goodbye...
take care of YOU. 
It was a family thing and once his mom started saying it then everyone joined in. 
I am going to suggest right here and right now that we all start saying that to one another every time we say goodbye. How about even INSTEAD of goodbye....
what does good bye really mean anyway? 
Have a good bye? It makes no sense.
How about we stop that nonsense and remind each other of this 
sacred truth as much as we can....

TAKE CARE OF YOU

 It would have been too much for a tattoo but the rest of what his mother would say was something to the effect of....if you don't take care of you then you are no good to those you love or the world. His mother had passed away a couple of years ago and it spun him into a pretty dark place but with the love and support of his friends he made it through. I told him again how much I needed to hear that today and how grateful I was that our paths had crossed. I reached to shake his hand and instead he gave me a huge hug. 

Two strangers who really are not strangers at all. 

The daily part of taking care of YOU like exercise and eating right and praying or meditating are important but equally important is making big life decisions that take care of you. 
The ones that allow you to be ALL of you. 
The you that you came here to be.
 The big scary life changing things. 
The things that scare the shit right out of you.
Decisions that sometimes make other people feel bad, sad or mad. 
It's not easy.....this taking care of you idea. 
It takes guts and courage and a fair amount of mundane tasks in the mix.
I have to hit my yoga mat...again? 
I just did it yesterday.
I have to eat healthy EVERYday??? 
and floss?
every. single. day.
Really?
It's funny how much the life of your dreams looks very similar to hard work.

 Following your heart could include any manner of unpleasant things. 
Things like living with uncertainty and walking away from relationships that no longer serve  your highest good or leaving the job or house of your dreams 
because a bigger dream is calling you. 
Yes, it is risky business for sure.
 But even riskier to not do so, don't you think? 
My new friend suggested that I get a tattoo that said the same thing.
 And you know what?
 I am actually considering it because this story is just 
too good and the message is one of the keys to living your best life. 
Four simple words that form a creed to live by....

Take. Care. Of. You. 

Please do this...
for the sake of yourself, 
your children, 
your partner, 
your parents, 
 siblings, 
 pets,
 friends, 
employees or employer, 
co-workers, 
your neighbor,
 the barista.......
do it for the whole wide world. 
And go ahead and get it tattooed on your forehead or maybe just your arm...
it's up to YOU.