Let's Talk About Boundaries. Again.

We have to talk about boundaries again.

Why? 

Here's why:

Isn't it amazing how you can so peaceful and content, 

minding your own business, spending the day cozy inside 

with sub-zero temperatures outside and then suddenly 
be pulled into another person's reality? 
An out of the blue phone call.
Happy to see who it was on the caller ID.

Someone you love on the other end.

At first all seems fine, just catching up on life since we last spoke. 

Then, suddenly we have turned a corner into

 a dangerous neighborhood.

An accusation, a judgement, hurtful words.

I know instantly by the way my whole body is having a reaction that my personal boundaries are being violated. I think of that movie 'Inside Out'...... I imagine all the whistles 

and bells going off in my brain. 

ALERT. ALERT. 

HER BOUNDARIES ARE BEING VIOLATED.

SEND THE RESERVES. SEND THE SUPPLIES.

DO SOMETHING!!! DO ANYTHING!!!

Everything is jumping for attention at once in my mind.

Can you believe this asshole?

Why does he want to hurt me?

Hurt him back.

Hang up on him.

No, don't hurt him. You love him.

Ouch.

Under this anger this really hurts.

I feel misunderstood.

I feel judged.

I feel invisible.
I feel like I don't matter.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Tears well up. My heart is racing.

I let him go on. I try to defend myself a little. 

I quickly recognize the futility of this.

Suddenly the wiser, more mature, emotionally stable version of me finds her way to the control board and says "If you want to talk about the weather or how my daughter 

is doing in school then I am happy to talk but this is not 

a topic that I want to discuss." 

Click. 

Wait, what?

Let me get this straight. You call me.

YOU bombard me with unsolicited advice, harsh judgement and the opinions you have sought from other sources while denying what I have told you is true for ME. Then, when I set a healthy boundary for myself, you hang up on ME? 

Wait, what?

Quite some time ago I wrote a lengthy post about boundaries. 

I have had to read it over myself many, many times. 

Specifically the definition of boundaries.

As life would have it I had just read that definition earlier in the day and it was fresh on my mind. Little did I know I would need to use it so soon. When I decided to start writing here again and begin this 40 day project for lent I made up my mind I would stick to the original intent of this blog. It was: to pay attention, be astonished and tell about it. I also have the intention to be real and not sugar coat or only tell the yummy stuff. 
The vast majority of the time 

I am astonished by amazing, wonderful, 

uplifting, beautiful moments. 

I set out to look for these moments on purpose.

And then....sometimes I am astonished in 

shocking and hurtful ways. 

I want to tell about that too. Because not only am 

I seeker of beauty, I am a seeker of truth. 

 I am guessing that if I need a reminder about setting 

boundaries that you might too. 

I love, love, love this definition of boundaries and think this should be a class we are taught in school. Imagine a whole curriculum based on this:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are built of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and  social learning. Personal boundaries include: physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self esteem.

There is a lot here to take in. 

Read it again. And again. And again.

My favorite part is:

 "that a person creates to identify for themselves"

THEMSELVES

Nobody decides this for you. 

You decide. 

You become your own authority.

You get to know yourself well enough that you know what your boundaries are. You know that they might be very different from someone else. You don't care. They are your OWN. 

You identify them. You create them. You enforce them.

You learn what it feels like inside yourself when your boundaries are being infringed on. You protect yourself when you feel this happening. You don't let other peoples feelings matter more than your own emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual safety.

I was astonished today at how many false ideas someone that I love deeply has about my personal life. Judgements that are not based on facts. I was astonished that someone thinks they know better for me than me. Perhaps I gave this person to much power in my life in the past and now they are a bit uncomfortable with the change in dynamics. If I do not ask you for advice than please do not give it to me. You may love me from the depths of your heart but this does not ever mean you know what is best for me. You are not having my experience. Love is not judgement. Love is not unsolicited advice. Love is not accusation. 
Love is support. Love is saying 

"I have no idea what you are feeling but I am here" 

Love says "How can I help?" Love says "How about a cup 

of coffee?" or "Do you want to go for a walk?"

Just as importantly we must respect the boundaries of others. Remember that idea that there are three kinds of business?

My business. Your business. God's business. 

You are not me and you are not God so that only leaves 

one business for you to be in.