Please Don't Give Tissues to a Crying Person

 If you are grieving or someone you love is experiencing grief, please do not underestimate the power of your presence. I often quote Iyanla Vanzant who says: "A wound needs a witness." Some of my most healing moments have come when I had a loving and compassionate witness for my tears. People who did not try to fix me but simply let me get it out. Sadness can be uncomfortable for many and their urge is to cheer the sad person up. What sadness really needs is validation and a safe outlet. Tears need to flow. I shudder when I hear parents say: "Stop your crying. There is no reason to be crying right now." If your child is crying they are crying for a reason that is very, very real for them in their emotional world. This is true for all of us. There is always a reason for our tears. We don't need to fix it with the mind or the intellect. No matter their age, just let a crying person cry. 

Many years ago I learned the theory behind not offering tissues to a crying person and that was reinforced in my grief training. It is important that I make tissues available for clients but I never offer them when they are crying. 

Here's why:

Tears serve a holy purpose and are a part of our grand design as humans. When scientists have studied tears they have found that tears of sadness have a different chemical makeup than tears of joy. When someone is ugly crying they are in a process. It is healthy. It is good. Although it can seem like a kind gesture to offer a tissue it actually stops the grieving person's process. You are essentially saying, "mop up your tears" or "stop crying". They feel obligated to take the tissue and start wiping away their tears. This stops the release of the pain they were in the middle of purging. We have all done this and it has been done to us. Please don't feel bad about that. When we know better we do better. It is a cultural norm to hand a tissue to a crying person.   

What's often true is that huge displays of grief can cause discomfort for those nearby. It makes us feel helpless. We want to fix it and it can also trigger our own grief. A person knows when they need a tissue and they will reach for one. Let them cry and snot into their sleeve and fall on their knees if that's what they need to do. Just practice being a safe container for another human to let it all out. When we get scared off by another's pain it only makes them feel more alone. There was a time when I thought I might, but as far as I know nobody has actually ever cried their eyes out. 

Our tears are liquid grief and we need to treat them as such. Whenever you are crying or witnessing someone who is crying, you are standing on sacred ground.