Please Don't Give Tissues to a Crying Person

 If you are grieving or someone you love is experiencing grief, please do not underestimate the power of your presence. I often quote Iyanla Vanzant who says: "A wound needs a witness." Some of my most healing moments have come when I had a loving and compassionate witness for my tears. People who did not try to fix me but simply let me get it out. Sadness can be uncomfortable for many and their urge is to cheer the sad person up. What sadness really needs is validation and a safe outlet. Tears need to flow. I shudder when I hear parents say: "Stop your crying. There is no reason to be crying right now." If your child is crying they are crying for a reason that is very, very real for them in their emotional world. This is true for all of us. There is always a reason for our tears. We don't need to fix it with the mind or the intellect. No matter their age, just let a crying person cry. 

Many years ago I learned the theory behind not offering tissues to a crying person and that was reinforced in my grief training. It is important that I make tissues available for clients but I never offer them when they are crying. 

Here's why:

Tears serve a holy purpose and are a part of our grand design as humans. When scientists have studied tears they have found that tears of sadness have a different chemical makeup than tears of joy. When someone is ugly crying they are in a process. It is healthy. It is good. Although it can seem like a kind gesture to offer a tissue it actually stops the grieving person's process. You are essentially saying, "mop up your tears" or "stop crying". They feel obligated to take the tissue and start wiping away their tears. This stops the release of the pain they were in the middle of purging. We have all done this and it has been done to us. Please don't feel bad about that. When we know better we do better. It is a cultural norm to hand a tissue to a crying person.   

What's often true is that huge displays of grief can cause discomfort for those nearby. It makes us feel helpless. We want to fix it and it can also trigger our own grief. A person knows when they need a tissue and they will reach for one. Let them cry and snot into their sleeve and fall on their knees if that's what they need to do. Just practice being a safe container for another human to let it all out. When we get scared off by another's pain it only makes them feel more alone. There was a time when I thought I might, but as far as I know nobody has actually ever cried their eyes out. 

Our tears are liquid grief and we need to treat them as such. Whenever you are crying or witnessing someone who is crying, you are standing on sacred ground. 

Thank you

Thank you.

A million times, thank you.

Releasing anything into the world can be scary. 

The vulnerability required is daunting.

But then....once you do it, it really isn't that hard.
It is actually harder to expend energy hiding parts of our real selves. The phone calls, private messages and texts that I received in the past two days since sharing my blog in a more public way has been the best kind of overwhelming. I actually had a joy headache Monday night from all of the love, encouragement and the brave people sharing their stories with me. What an honor. I never could have imagined the kind of response that I would receive. I love connecting with all of you so please feel free to reach out to me anytime. 

 I named my blog Sparkle and Grit because I know that you can't have one without the other. My gritty times have taught me so much and made me a better person. They have given me an even greater appreciation for all that is good in this life. My broken heart has opened me up to even greater levels of love and compassion for myself and others. The depths of my despair have allowed me to feel an even greater joy. We cannot escape grief and loss, they will be a part of each of our lives at many points. We can only let them do their work inside of us. Allow the pain. Give it airtime. Find your safe people. Cry. Know that every single one of your feelings matter. There are specific tools to help you through the pain attached to a loss of any kind and I will write more in depth about that in a later blog.

But for today... I will keep it short and sweet and filled with overflowing gratitude for all of you and for this amazing, sparkly and gritty life. I'm glad we're in this thing together.

Thank you again from the depths of my heart.

Down to My Last Two Percent

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.

And everyone you love is made of stardust 

and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply,

 and the night sky is no home, 

and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that

 you are down to your last two percent, 

but nothing is infinite, 

not even the loss. 

You are made of the sea and the stars, 

and one day you are going 

to find yourself again.

                                         - Finn Butler

If I could tell you just one thing today, it would be this:

If you are struggling and feeling lost,
you will find yourself again.

You may not feel that at all.

Your circumstances may not indicate that is even possible.

The landscape of your life may feel like foreign soil.

I know this place very well.

I spent so much time last year wondering how I would ever recover from my losses. It had been a series of blows over several years. I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I wasn't suicidal but I did lay in bed at night and think that death would be a welcomed relief. I would look at my precious sleeping daughter. I would think about the life she would have if I died and that gave me a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope and a desire to keep going. I had a baby idea that maybe I would eventually find my way out of the darkness.

I clung to that idea.

I tried to believe what my friends were saying.
I relied on their love and support as if my life depended on it.
Because it did.

I lived out of a suitcase for 11 months.

For the sake of a good story, let's just round that up to a year. 

Several trusted friends kept telling me how brave I was but I can assure you that I did not feel brave in any way. I felt completely and utterly broken. I would say, "Maybe one day I will look back and see that I was brave but right now I don't even know who I am." I have never cried so many tears in my life. I thought  maybe they were going to name a new river after me. I had never felt so scared and so vulnerable. 

Nothing looked the same.

Everything that I thought made me...me, was gone.

The people, places and things that were part of my identity,
 the very fiber of my being.....gone.

I went from living in a town with less than 1000 people and the nearest city having a population of 30,000 to living in a  city of more than half a million. I went from living on a dirt road to dealing with multiple interstates to go anywhere. I cried when I realized I didn't even know where the grocery store was. I had to use a GPS to find  food. I had no idea where I was, literally and figuratively. I went from a 3000 square foot dream house to all of my belongings fitting in a  10x12 storage unit. I had a 7 year old daughter, $1400, a suitcase full of clothes, a box of books, my car and wonderful friends who so lovingly said...... 
"come stay with me for awhile."

I believe that life will show you on the outside what needs changing. When the players in your game of life stop playing fair or being kind, it isn't about them. It is about you and what you need to change. It can be very hard to look inside and see what's wrong, that is why we often need an outside circumstance to show us exactly what we need to see. And trust me...it will show itself multiple times in different ways. You have many chances to get the lesson. Eventually it will be too painful to ignore. I will tell you that story another day but trust me...there was a defining moment where I knew my life was going to change in a huge way. It took a good long while before I was actually putting my things into storage and driving away from the life that I had known. It was not an an easy decision and it was not an overnight decision. It was a full year of soul searching. Including four months where I only got out of bed to take my daughter to school. For real. 

Somebody recently told me that I was a runner. 

In their opinion I had run away from my problems creating even more problems for myself and others. I entertained this idea for less than 60 seconds. Someone who stays in a marriage for 25 years is not a runner. Someone who lives 5 miles from their hometown is not a runner. Someone who has emotionally and physically cared for their aging father is not a runner. Someone who has raised 4 children as a stay at home mother is not a runner. I felt the urge to say all of these things in order to defend myself and that probably lasted less than 60 seconds too. I felt attacked and of course my initial reaction was to defend myself. But why? What good would that do? I have become very guarded about how I choose to spend my precious energy. Defending myself is no longer important to me. I am more than happy to carry on with MY life and let you think whatever you want to think. 
In fact, what you think is really none of my business. I have a million better things to do than convince anyone of anything.

Did it matter what this person thought about MY life?
And what if I was a runner?
So what.
What I do know as my deepest truth is the only running 
I was doing was running towards myself. 

For the very first time in my life.

I knew my children were watching me and that they might someday need to search back in their memory bank for what to do when it came time to protect the women and children. Who was going to be their example if it wasn't me?

The funny part is that I have less problems now. 
I have less sadness and way more joy. WAY more.
I have more peace and contentment than I have ever known.
I have more self-respect, more self-love.
I have more compassion for myself and everyone else.
 I did not in any way relate to what this person was saying. 
It was his reality, NOT mine.

*I feel it is important to mention here that you may be wondering who this person is, and although I want to keep that private, I will say that it is NOT the father of my children. I have a fierce desire to protect him and all that we have shared over our many years together.*

I have gotten more and more comfortable over the past year with being misunderstood. I am confident that I understand my life better than anyone else does. I have learned to trust both my feelings and my desires. I have learned that my gut feeling is the most reliable indicator I have of what is true for ME. I have learned that some of the voices in my 

head are not actually mine. Imagine that.

I KNOW that I am not a runner. 

I KNOW that I gave all that I had to give.

And then some.

And I also KNOW that when it was time to leave the party I stayed even longer just to be sure. I KNOW that my desire for the dream of my life to work out as my younger self had planned and envisioned was greater than my ability to see 

what the truth actually was. I KNOW that circumstances beyond my control forced me to make an impossible decision. I KNOW that nobody but me knows the layers and layers of heartbreak and decision making that went into what they were so easily judging as running. It was not a decision that was made lightly and it was many years in the making.  

I got down to my last two percent.

I had nothing left to give.

Nothing. 

Remember calling 'Uncle' when we were kids? 

If we were arm wrestling or some other physical challenge and we were about to give up we would call Uncle. 

Meaning: I give up. 

I can't do it anymore. 

I have no more strength left in me. Uncle.

So, no.

 I did not run. 

I called Uncle. 

I finally found the courage to act on the truth.
Life created a situation that forced me into seeing what I had not wanted to see. I had known certain things to be true and secretly knew that if push ever came to shove it would be impossible to deny what the truth was. And then of course, because life is like that....push DID come to shove.
  
The status quo was no longer acceptable. 
If it wasn't going to change then I had to go. 
I know this caused confusion and hurt for others. 

I know judging me became an easy thing to do.

People that I wanted to be there for me virtually disappeared.

I felt despair, confusion, anger, sadness and loneliness.

Then, slowly but surely I started to feel joy again. 

I started to imagine new possibilities for my future.

I started to understand that peoples judgement of 

me was not about me. It was about them.
Most importantly, I stopped judging myself.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me without agenda. I found my safe place.
People who loved the authentic Kimberly,
 not just the one that worked for them. 
I began to trust the trajectory of my own life.
Somehow, all that had seemed so wrong 
started to seem all right. My tiny, baby idea that 
I would make it through started to grow.

I marked my progress by noticing that I was crying less each day. Then I noticed I would go a whole afternoon or evening without crying. Many months passed. Seasons changed.
Then it happened. 
I went an entire day with no tears. Then several days and then an entire week. Please don't get me wrong...I think crying is a miracle and I cannot imagine what the state of my physical, mental or spiritual health would be right now if I had not let the river flow through me.

 I don't feel alone or scared now.

My vulnerability became my strength.

I don't cry everyday anymore. 

I don't think death would be a relief. 

Instead of calling 'Uncle' I am calling:

 "Olly, Olly Oxen Free."

Do you remember that too? 
It is what we would call in a game of hide and seek, kick the can or capture the flag when something had changed in the game and we could come out into the open without
 fear of losing the game.

Olly, Olly Oxen Free.

I am out in the open.

I am not afraid of losing the game.

I know that I can't lose.

I know that there are no mistakes.

Only lessons.

I am not curled up in the fetal position licking my wounds 
or reiterating my sad story to anyone who will listen.

It's a Saturday morning, the sun is shining, the icicles are melting, I can smell the coffee brewing, the birds are singing and while I may not have totally found myself yet,
 I am certainly on my way.

And you know what else?
I'm feeling pretty damn brave.

Leggins Ain't Pants

It's Friday. 

Let's start the day with a good laugh.
Lawd. Jesus. White leggins.
They ain't to be wore.
Period.

You will see this woman on Ellen next....mark my words.

Watch and see. 

You're welcome.

Mom, You're a Skank

The room was dark. The air was frigid outside and we were snuggled under one down comforter and two quilts. 

I was just about to drift off when I hear the tiny, 

sweet voice of my 9 year old daughter say: 

"Mom, you're a skank."

Me: "Whatttttttt??????? What did you just say????"

Lilly: "What? I don't even know what skank means."

Have you ever tried to describe skank to a 9 year old?

I am not even going to try to recall my feeble attempt. 

Once she got the general idea of what a skank was 
she said "oh, nevermind then, let's just say you're a skunk

Me: But do I look like a skunk????
 (secretly worried that I really needed to get my hair colored)

That comment made me remember this:

 I told her about my cousin that I was once very close to, who had this uncanny ability to look at a person and could almost immediately recognize what animal they were. She would say some people are a straight up rabbit or horse and then you have your combo deals. Maybe a little horse mixed with something.....a dog, a cat or perhaps a pig. I do not have this skill and I would be highly entertained at how easy this was for her and she was ALWAYS right. Imagine the fun you could have at a mall, or an airport!!! Once she told me what she saw then I could instantly see it too. Sometimes that's all I could see. Instead of my neighbor talking to me all I could see was a talking giraffe. I know it sounds crazy but it's true! 

 We could not contain our laughter at this point so we called Heidi (the big sister) to tell her the skank/skunk story and get her on our late night shenanigans. Once we got Heidi laughing, Lilly decided she would try her hand at this 'person as animal' challenge with her sister as the first victim. This is where my laughter turned to tears running down my face. Her big sister is actually quite beautiful with gorgeous blue

 eyes and crazy long eyelashes. She has long, 

silky hair and a beautiful smile. 

However, apparently when Lilly sees her 

this is what she sees, and I quote:

"Heidi is a weirdish chipmunk with a touch 

of badger and a touch of weasel."

Can you picture that?

What exactly is a weirdish chipmunk?

Oh. My. God. 

This girl.

She pegged her big brother instantly by saying he 

was a gorilla with a touch of owl. 

You know what? 

He IS a gorilla with a touch of owl. 

He really is.

It's cold. Really cold. It's snowy and icy. 

We have cabin fever. 

This is how we entertain ourselves.

I was thinking maybe you might like to play this game too.

Three Things

Each day when I drop Lilly off at school 

I tell her three things. 

 1. Do your best

2. Be kind to yourself and others

3. I love you

Some mornings she beats me to it. 

It's really this simple isn't it?

Three good rules to live by.

So let's keep it simple this morning.
I want to tell you the same things I tell my precious 
daughter because you are precious to me too.

1. Do your best

2. Be kind to yourself and others

3. I love you

Tender Hearts

Do you ever have days where your heart feels so incredibly tender you almost can't bear it? I sure do. In fact I have a very, very tender heart today. Nothing is wrong. Nothing sad or bad has happened. In fact, quite the opposite. The kindness that I have received, given and witnessed today has brought me to my knees. I am crying for no real reason other than the sheer gratitude I feel for this life and the way we all hold each other up and show our love in a myriad of ways. This life can and will batter us about. Things can and will happen that make no sense and seem so unfair. I am always amazed by the power of the human spirit to keep going when the going feels not just rough but impossible. Many years ago I read in 'A Course in Miracles' that in the end the only real thing will be the love we have given and the love we have received. I am starting to really see how true this is. It is the kindness we extend that matters most. It's the minute by minute, day by day and week by week love, support, kindness and understanding that we offer to one another that makes life so sweet. After 25 years of hosting her talk show Oprah said this is what people 

really want...to be seen...to be heard...to know they matter.

“I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’

“Understanding that one principle, that everybody wants to be heard, has allowed me to hold the microphone for you all these years with the least amount of judgment. Now I can’t say I wasn’t judging some days. Some days, I had to judge just a little bit. But it’s helped me to stand and to try to do that with an open mind and to do it with an open heart. It has worked for this platform, and I guarantee you it will work for yours. Try it with your children, your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends. Validate them. ‘I see you. I hear you. And what you say matters to me.’” — Oprah  May 25, 2011

I see you. I hear you. 

And what you say matters to me.

So simple yet so profound. The ways to be kind are really so easy. See people. Hear people. Make sure they know that what they say matters to you. Making them food helps too.

I am going to take my tender heart and make some comfort food for my loved ones, soak in a very hot bath, then put on my favorite pajamas and watch a feel good movie. How about you? How can you treat yourself and others with gentle kindness tonight?

I will leave you with this thought for today:

"My religion is simple.

                My religion is kindness."    Dalai Lama

Let's Talk About Boundaries. Again.

We have to talk about boundaries again.

Why? 

Here's why:

Isn't it amazing how you can so peaceful and content, 

minding your own business, spending the day cozy inside 

with sub-zero temperatures outside and then suddenly 
be pulled into another person's reality? 
An out of the blue phone call.
Happy to see who it was on the caller ID.

Someone you love on the other end.

At first all seems fine, just catching up on life since we last spoke. 

Then, suddenly we have turned a corner into

 a dangerous neighborhood.

An accusation, a judgement, hurtful words.

I know instantly by the way my whole body is having a reaction that my personal boundaries are being violated. I think of that movie 'Inside Out'...... I imagine all the whistles 

and bells going off in my brain. 

ALERT. ALERT. 

HER BOUNDARIES ARE BEING VIOLATED.

SEND THE RESERVES. SEND THE SUPPLIES.

DO SOMETHING!!! DO ANYTHING!!!

Everything is jumping for attention at once in my mind.

Can you believe this asshole?

Why does he want to hurt me?

Hurt him back.

Hang up on him.

No, don't hurt him. You love him.

Ouch.

Under this anger this really hurts.

I feel misunderstood.

I feel judged.

I feel invisible.
I feel like I don't matter.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Tears well up. My heart is racing.

I let him go on. I try to defend myself a little. 

I quickly recognize the futility of this.

Suddenly the wiser, more mature, emotionally stable version of me finds her way to the control board and says "If you want to talk about the weather or how my daughter 

is doing in school then I am happy to talk but this is not 

a topic that I want to discuss." 

Click. 

Wait, what?

Let me get this straight. You call me.

YOU bombard me with unsolicited advice, harsh judgement and the opinions you have sought from other sources while denying what I have told you is true for ME. Then, when I set a healthy boundary for myself, you hang up on ME? 

Wait, what?

Quite some time ago I wrote a lengthy post about boundaries. 

I have had to read it over myself many, many times. 

Specifically the definition of boundaries.

As life would have it I had just read that definition earlier in the day and it was fresh on my mind. Little did I know I would need to use it so soon. When I decided to start writing here again and begin this 40 day project for lent I made up my mind I would stick to the original intent of this blog. It was: to pay attention, be astonished and tell about it. I also have the intention to be real and not sugar coat or only tell the yummy stuff. 
The vast majority of the time 

I am astonished by amazing, wonderful, 

uplifting, beautiful moments. 

I set out to look for these moments on purpose.

And then....sometimes I am astonished in 

shocking and hurtful ways. 

I want to tell about that too. Because not only am 

I seeker of beauty, I am a seeker of truth. 

 I am guessing that if I need a reminder about setting 

boundaries that you might too. 

I love, love, love this definition of boundaries and think this should be a class we are taught in school. Imagine a whole curriculum based on this:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are built of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and  social learning. Personal boundaries include: physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self esteem.

There is a lot here to take in. 

Read it again. And again. And again.

My favorite part is:

 "that a person creates to identify for themselves"

THEMSELVES

Nobody decides this for you. 

You decide. 

You become your own authority.

You get to know yourself well enough that you know what your boundaries are. You know that they might be very different from someone else. You don't care. They are your OWN. 

You identify them. You create them. You enforce them.

You learn what it feels like inside yourself when your boundaries are being infringed on. You protect yourself when you feel this happening. You don't let other peoples feelings matter more than your own emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual safety.

I was astonished today at how many false ideas someone that I love deeply has about my personal life. Judgements that are not based on facts. I was astonished that someone thinks they know better for me than me. Perhaps I gave this person to much power in my life in the past and now they are a bit uncomfortable with the change in dynamics. If I do not ask you for advice than please do not give it to me. You may love me from the depths of your heart but this does not ever mean you know what is best for me. You are not having my experience. Love is not judgement. Love is not unsolicited advice. Love is not accusation. 
Love is support. Love is saying 

"I have no idea what you are feeling but I am here" 

Love says "How can I help?" Love says "How about a cup 

of coffee?" or "Do you want to go for a walk?"

Just as importantly we must respect the boundaries of others. Remember that idea that there are three kinds of business?

My business. Your business. God's business. 

You are not me and you are not God so that only leaves 

one business for you to be in. 

 

Just for Today

Today I am grateful for so much. 

I was paying attention. 

I was astonished. 

I will tell you about it.

Waking up before the sun and listening to the birds.

Launching my website.

Getting great feedback.

Feeling brave.

The first day of winter break and 

staying in pajamas until noon with my daughter.

The sound of the knife on the cutting board as I 
chopped vegetables for chicken and dumplings.

Clean dishes dried and ready to be put away.

A clean bathroom.

A new broom.

The fifth day of no caffeine and the way 

my mind feels clearer and my eyes brighter.

A friend bringing dinner and spending the evening with me.

The sound of her son and my daughter playing and laughing.

Cuddling up with them while they took turns reading 
in a new book they had given Lilly for her birthday.

Listening to each of them share how they start their 
mornings at school with their teachers and classmates.

Sad stories. Funny stories. Hard stories.

Laughter.

Understanding.

Truth telling.

Sharing old pictures of ourselves and agreeing that 
life does something beautiful to our faces as we grow older.

A midnight snack of super sharp cheddar cheese, smokehouse crackers and apple juice.

It is astonishing.

 All of the goodness inside of one day.

Just for today, no matter what is happening in your life, decide to look for beauty. Make it your job to focus on what is good. The more we focus on what we are grateful for the more we have to be grateful for. I have tried this even in the darkest times of my life and it changes my 

heart and my mind. 

every. single. time.

Even if you are going through your hardest days, 

I assure you there are still things to be grateful for. 

So go get a pen and some paper.

Pay attention.

Tell us about it. 

You will be astonished too.